Desiderata: observations from the journey

I got buzzed on tequila,

Listened to Steely Dan,

Thought about the first time I fell in love,

And what have I learned?

The heart is a reckless ocean,

It runs slipshod over the sea floor,

And only the tides and currents change,

Sweat, ecstasy, affection,

Letting someone inside,

Getting to know the way she smiles when she thinks only of you,

Desirous and desirable,

The bliss of secret moments,

Over coffee, beer, Thai food,

The smell of the bed in the morning,

Fog settles in over the land of your heart,

Love finds settlement in soft ground,

I’ve grown, I’ve lost, I’ve become wiser, better, at times…

Even more patient,

I know what the light and the orgasm can’t tell me,

I know who I am and I know what I need,

Even if I can’t hold her tonight,

I know she’s out there,

Just beyond that blue horizon.

I just listened to the song “Teach Your Children”. I was almost moved to tears. I remembered being a naive, green twenty year old and going to see Crosby, Stills and Nash. I had only been living in California about a year and I saw a notice somewhere that they were going to play a show at the Concord Pavillion. So I rode the BART train out there and saw them.

It was fantastic. David Crosby walked up to the microphone before they started playing and borrowing a line from Mark Twain said “The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.” He had just had a kidney transplant and narrowly survived the abuses he heaped on his body in the hedonistic, soul-searching ’60’s. The audience laughed and grimaced at the realization that they had almost lost one of their musical heroes. The only people in the whole ampitheatre younger than me were the children and grandchildren of ex-hippies.

I felt proud of myself for being the lone member of Generation X to have discovered this moving, revelatory, uplifting and atmospheric trio. But a moment ago I realized that it’s been ten years since I walked wide-eyed onto the grass and sat down to listen to David Crosby, Stephen Stills and Graham Nash. Back then I was lost and had no idea what my future would be. I was sad, depressed, confused, living under the unrelenting pressure of my family to succeed, both academically and professionally.

Now I am a partner in a burgeoning film studio, on the precipice of Hollywood and my family’s words and wishes are meaningless to me. I appreciate their support, but they can no more bridge the gulf between what I know and they don’t, then I can pull them across. I’ve come a long way. A long way. Painfully, joyfully, exhaustingly. But I am emboldened by all I have learned and all the successes we have enjoyed as a company. I am empowered by love, wisdom and experience. In spite of my parents ideas about education and success, their son has learned well and has risen far from where he started. And keeps rising.

On April 11, Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. left this world. The famed novelist, essayist, graphic artist, lifelong member of the ACLU and former head of the American Humanist Association died from brain injuries that resulted from a fall at his Manhattan home a couple of weeks before that. I’d like to take a moment now and thank him posthumously for inspiring me to write politically-charged novels. THANK YOU Kurt! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and ideas about life, humanity, philosophy, ethics, morality and war with the rest of us. Thanks for teaching us that no good can come from war and that it doesn’t help states or humans as a species. Thanks for giving us insights into the American culture and the plight of the working man and for always showing us the folly of our poorly-conceived ideologies in a humorous and satirical way. Thanks for having the personal honesty to put your fears and concerns and foibles down on paper and for trusting your readers not to judge you. The critics judged you, but as you so eloquently remarked “Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.”

Why am I so grateful to Kurt?

In February 1996 I moved to California. Specifically I moved from Northern New Jersey to Berkeley, a university town in the bay area, not far from San Francisco. I stayed with my sister for a few months in the bottom floor of a house on the north side of the University of California campus. My sister and brother-in-law had rented half of a house right next to a park to live in with their two small kids and giant dog. Buster (R.I.P.) was a half-black Labrador and half Rottweiler, really, more of a horse than a dog – he was the kind of good-natured animal that took you for a walk instead of the other way around. Anyhow, from February to August of ‘96 I lived with my sister. Then I moved out on my own, finding, in one day, on foot, a basement apartment a few blocks from the Cal campus. I moved in a few days later at the end of the summer before I started college.

I didn’t have a job (thanks mom and dad for footing the bills) and I was a 19 year old newcomer from New Jersey. I was also recovering from clinical depression so I didn’t have a lot of motivation to get a job either. I filled up my days writing poetry, getting high, hanging out with friends and listening to music. Once or twice a month I would walk about a mile into the heart of the city (I use the word ‘city’ loosely here, Berkeley is like a suburb that kept sprawling, mostly as a result of the Cal student population increasing) and go to the movies. I loved going to early matinees – the 12-2 pm time slot was ideal. I would have the whole theater to myself – no drunken college students, annoying intellectuals or crying babies. I also loved and still love going to the movies alone. Call it antisocial, call it weird, but I think movies are best experienced by yourself. When you’re alone there’s no one there to ask you “What just happened?” or “What did she say?” or “And that’s the same guy from the beginning?”. Also, you don’t have the distraction of wondering if your friend, date or spouse is enjoying the movie. Call me a film purist, but I love going solo to the movies.

**Warning – this blog contains spoilers, so if you’d like to read Mother Night without knowing the plot, stop reading now**

So, one day in September as the city was cooling down and the wind was blowing in from the Pacific, I walked down to the Act One and Two, one of the art-houses a stone’s throw from the campus. They were running an early showing of Mother Night, which had just been adapted from the Vonnegut novel of the same name – published in 1961. A few years back I read the book and the movie is a very accurate translation of it, including brilliant performances by Nick Nolte and Alan Arkin. Nolte plays Howard W. Campbell, a playwright/director of some note who lives in Berlin in 1933 and aspires to join the ranks of Ibsen and Shakespeare. His wife Helga, played by the very beautiful Sheryl Lee is his primary actor and stars in all of his productions. One day Campbell is approached by  Frank Wirtanen, a War Department Intelligence officer played in his characteristically affable and witty way by John Goodman. Wirtanen starts the conversation, using his spy charm to persuade Campbell to become a spy for the O.S.S. Ultimately, Campbell winds up as a disc jockey in Berlin where he excites and inspires the German civilians by launching into charismatic tirades that are all for the glory of Der Fuhrer. Campbell spews his pro-Nazi propaganda to an eager crowd of Statist Germans who eat it up and grow more and more thrilled at the prospect of restoring the glory of the Fatherland. In reality, the U.S. forces are preparing for what they see as an imminent war and Campbell is really broadcasting encrypted messages to American soldiers and spies that have been stationed in Berlin. Goebbels uses Campbell to sell the Third Reich to the U.S. while the U.S. uses Campbell as a human radio relay to transmit vital information to its agents provocateur. Ultimately, since the O.S.S. hadn’t told any of the other bureaus about Campbell’s assignment, the U.S. Army takes him prisoner. Wirtanen convinces the Army to release Campbell and arranges him safe passage to New York City. He moves to New York to start life over, now thinking that his wife Helga had been killed while entertaining German troops on the Eastern Front. He winds up meeting Helga in Manhattan one day and starts his life over again with the love of his life, thinking he’s finally left the madness of war and Nazi ideology behind him. Sadly, the Mossad has other plans and one of their agents finds him. He is taken from his apartment one night and promptly flown to Tel Aviv where he is incarcerated without a real trial and told he will be executed for war crimes. This begins a bleak, if archly humorous chapter in the story because the guy in the cell directly below him is none other than Adolf Eichmann, the architect of the concentration camps. The dialogues between the two of them are worth the read or price of admission, as they chat back and forth about humanity, morality and the absurd notion that the men in charge are running the war for anything but the wrong reasons.

Seeing the movie and reading the book taught me about the educational and humanist power of novels. I was dumbstruck by the story in the movie, in particular, Howard W. Campbell’s admonition to “Be careful what you pretend to be, because in the end you are what you pretend to be.” That concept was so profound that it has stuck with me all of these years. In the face of frustration, impatience and anger at not reaching a point in my professional life where I could pay the bills from creativity alone, I’ve often had destructive and self-destructive moments. But those words always remind me that I’m a creator and that if I feign being a destructor for long enough, I’ll become one permanently. Kurt Vonnegut’s books have taught me that the loudest voice may be the silent one, the one that screams off the page and can not be ignored. I’ve got a couple of novels in the works and they’re not being written as messages or sermons, but the themes in them are largely humanist. I also hope the readers are inspired and empowered to do as Kurt said and “Just be kind.” Thanks again Kurt. I know you’re out there in one form or another watching us and I hope we can someday live up to your ideals. And to you good men and women sitting at your computers, thanks for reading.

100 Things You Need to Know About Women
You know not to forget her birthday and that her favorite flowers are purple tulips. But you need the complete list. Please use it responsibly.

Maxim, Nov 2005 *Courtesy of my friend H*

100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.

99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.

98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you cant get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.

97. Beware of your girlfriend’s single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.

96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.

95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.

94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.

93. Girls who say, I love sports! are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.

92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.

91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.

90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.

89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.

88. If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late. Claire, 27

87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterpartsand the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.

86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.

85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.

84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute -scientific proof most women are decent in bed.

83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.

82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.

81. The threesome is not about you; its about the two girls. If youre lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.

80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.

79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.

78. I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes. Erin, 21

77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.

76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.

75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.

74. Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. Theyre trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom. Suzy, 31

73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn’t get laid, you’re one of the 10.

72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.

71. Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do -lower abdomen, nipples – we just get rid of them. Katie, 26

70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.

69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.

68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.

67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be friended.

66. They can’t live without tension. Every once in a while she’s gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.

65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.

64. An online dating services survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.

63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.

62. A British study claims a womans chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.

61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.

60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.

59. When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator. Lauren, 35

58. If they’re going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.

57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Dont point this out while she’s at the wheel or shell freak and crash.

56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.

54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and shell change her tune. I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy, says Evie, 22.

53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolies lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.

52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.

51. Dont call her cute. In her mind its the same as not vomit-inducing. Sexy, OK. Hot, yes. Fucking awesome, only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.

50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet – which they can’t stand.

49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.

48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.

47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.

46. Women want to talk dirty, but theyre afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesnt make her less classy and shell probably go wild. Jäger helps.

45. Twenty-three percent of this magazines readers are women.

44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man – including anal.

41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.

40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.

39. It never hurts to say you’re sorry, even if you don’t mean it.

38. Let her beat you at something once in a while – poker, chess, Ping-Pong – and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.

37. Womens public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.

36. At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you dont like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. Its not about trust; its about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till its been satiated. Caroline, 28

35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.

34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. Its only about four minutes long.

33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!

32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.

31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.

30. Dont caress our faces while were kissing, unless you really, really, really like us. Rachel, 21

29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.

28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.

27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if youre slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.

26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.

25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.

24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.

23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.

22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.

20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.

19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.

18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don’t complain about it.

17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.

16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.

15. Girls dont want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.

14. Don’t take a woman to a concert you really want to see – she’ll just want to leave early.

13. Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay. Elena, 28

12. Studies show women are more attracted to macho guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to good providers, otherwise known as chumps.

11. She likes one of your friends.

10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they’re more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.

9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.

8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to LOréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).

7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.

6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, were not suggesting you shave.)

5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.

4. Foghat’s Slow Ride is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?

3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.

2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.

1. You’ll probably never know how many guys she’s slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.

Thank You to “The Dude” (and thanks to my best friend j) for reminding us to live life on our own terms, buck the system, have a good time and take a moment to chill out. Happy 4/20 Everyone!

I’m going sailing!! I’m going sailing!! I’m going sailing!! Those of you who know me know that sailing is my favorite outdoor activity. Those of you that don’t know me, I’ve been sailing since I’ve been walking, but really started to learn how to do it as a teenager. I’ve always loved doing it and I’ve always encouraged other people to try it. It’s a fun hobby that gets you out of doors to some of the most inspiring and beautiful places on Earth and it’s not that physically painful like say whitewater kayaking or mountaineering. It demands only enough strength to pull ropes and if my skinny ass can do it, so can you. These days I only get to sail once a year when I’m on the east coast on Long Island visiting my parents. They’re retired now and split their time between Long Island, New York and North Carolina. I’ve always done short inshore (within sight of land most of the time) trips. I’ve gone from harbor to harbor from Stonington, Connecticut up to Nantucket, Massachusetts which is an island southeast of Cape Cod. That trip was 82 miles on the rhumb line (that’s point to point in sailor-speak), done over two weeks, with a number of stops along the way in cool, historic ports like Mystic, Connecticut (for the film lovers out there I’ve had a cheese slice from Mystic Pizza) and Newport, Rhode Island (the setting for the John Cusack movie One Crazy Summer).

On May 19 I will fly from Los Angeles to North Carolina. I’ll spend a few days house-sitting at my parents empty home while I wait for my dad – the guy who got me into sailing and also passed along the ultimate risk-taking gene – to return from his sailing trip. Ideally he’ll jump off the that he’ll be moving from the Exumas (southern Bahama islands) to Beaufort, North Carolina on the 21st of May. Then he’ll head home and that day or the following day, he and I will drive to the town of Oriental, North Carolina (not a very p.c. town name, but let’s remember folks, it just means Eastern) and we’ll hop onto a and head to the eastern tip of Long Island.

This will be around a 415 mile, non-stop sail and we’ll be anywhere from 15 miles offshore, as we round Cape Hatteras to 100 miles offshore in the Hudson Canyon, as we approach the eastern end of Long Island. The trip should take three to four days. Am I scared? A little. If we have to go through a storm, or just continually rough water, I may be seasick for 100 hours straight.

Mostly, I’m excited. I feel like I did when I was 12 years old driving up to New Hampshire to go to the Eastern Mountain Sports Rock Climbing School. I couldn’t wait then and I can’t wait now. I get to meet new people as well, which is just icing on the cake. I’ve only met the boat owner and his son in passing, and I’ve never met the other crew members. And I get to take a much needed vacation. This is sure to be one of life’s rare and unforgettable adventures. My ticket is purchased and my adrenaline is just about crystallizing…

palm trees sway in the gentle breeze

the city’s got a sweet disease

it echoes with ten million pleas

for agents to sign or you’ll freeze

before the chill of death sets in

before you lose your fans to sin

before the dizzy crowd you spin

before applause or yawning din

not much hope, no angels in sight

just kids out on Sunset tonight

pantheon of performing might

the proud, the brave, the out of sight

when will all the performers learn

it’s not about the gold you earn

the fame you birth before the urn

it’s ecstasy at every turn